He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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