Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
