You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
