Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
