I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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