i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
