remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
