I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
