I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
