do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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