I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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