and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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