Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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