My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
