I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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