She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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