she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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