They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
