I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Barsexuality is the new black.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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