someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My liver just had a heart attack.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
