I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
