I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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