I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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