I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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