So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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