To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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