This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
