I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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