Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
