i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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