i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
