I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
