I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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