Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
