You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
