the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
