I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
