At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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