so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I see more hoeing in ur future
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
