why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
