I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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