didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
