i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
