i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
