he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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