guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
