Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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