goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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