yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
