so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I want to fling myself into the sun
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
