I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize