My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
