I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
