The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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