Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
