I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
