Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
