All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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