i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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